BerGeNia...

2011-03-05T23:17:00.003+08:00

thanks for making me feel small, useless, like trash and everything
even when i opened my heart to let everything out
couldnt i just be give that little moment of attention

thanks for constantly reminding me of my worth
thanks for bringing the tears back when they miraculously went away

im stupid
im stupid

i was the one dreaming and making up things
i couldnt be a greater fool

2011-03-05T10:07:00.002+08:00

All I could see in my dream yesterday night was me crying horribly. I woke up a few times, and started tearing. Gosh when will this dehydration stop. I don't even know why I'm taking it so bad. I just want it over and done with. And because it hurts so bad, I wish I never knew you. It sounds mean an I'd have to apologise for it, but you wouldn't care anyway.

2011-03-05T07:46:00.000+08:00

I'm still alive but I'm barely breathing

2011-03-04T21:47:00.001+08:00

Dont ask me what happened.
Dont ask me if I'm alright.

But omg. I really want to swear right now. FREAK.
Hurts damn bad.
I want to sleep and just not wake up.
Really.
OUCH.
FUCK IT.
I NEED MY AIR.
OMG.
ALL MY 17 YEARS, nothing ever sucked this bad.

2011-03-04T21:14:00.001+08:00

KILL ME NOW.

KILL ME NOW.

I WANT TO STOP THINKING.

I NEED TO BREATHE.

I NEED MY SPACE

SAM YOU'RE FREAKING STUPID.

LIKE SERIOUSLY

FREAKING.

FREAKING.

STUPID.

2011-03-04T21:08:00.002+08:00

I didn't wish for anything in return.
Just wish that I'd get out of this alive.
I knew this would happen.
So it's okay to cry.
It'll all heal.
It happened once.
So let's do it all over again.

Then don't turn back one glance.

Go sam. Be strong. Maybe at least you had fun.
It's okay to be stupid sometimes.
Because you can't help it.
It's okay to let your heart be foolishly played.
It's okay.

I'm gonna be okay.

2011-02-26T21:05:00.002+08:00

I feel stupid.

Because when you're hurting badly, hurting so much you feel floaty.
They're having the time of their lives.
And they don't give a shit about you.

2011-02-25T18:51:00.002+08:00

I've never been this hurt before.
It feels like I'm holding back tears.
At least not now. Not when I can let it out.
Why am I so stupid and naive?
It was a mad journey home, trying not to cry.
The only thing I could do was sleep. So that for a moment I'd forget why I'm hurting.

The thing is...
I hate myself more for hurting. Why do I feel sad? What right do I have to feel sad? There was never and no basis for my feeling this way. I can't blame you so can I only blame myself?
I said don't confuse me. Really don't.
And now I can only blame myself for having a weak defense mechanism.
Today, I realised my EQ is low. I can't seem to hide my emotions.
I wish I could. Really. So that I won't affect anyone around me. I wish I could fake smiles confidently and act like I feel nothing. But hold on a second, why am I feeling? Yes, again, I hate myself for feeling. There's nothing to feel about isn't it? So why am I feeling?

For a fear of people saying I'm attracting attention by posting emo posts on fb or my pm, I post here. Can I just have my little space here?

Smuggly. I can only hug smuggly now. And I miss xinyi terribly, really hoping I can get a hug. I slept...not wanting to wake up because I feared waking up. I feared that I'll start to remember why I was hurting. And damnn, I woke up.

I always felt that I think too much. My skin's too thick. This sucks. Maybe feeling terrible now is good. No. It is good. So i'll just forget about everything early enough so I can really just get back on with life.

I don't exactly know how to deal with this. But I guess I'll just have to have some space and time. I'd try. Really I'd try, to get back on track.

But I wasn't the one to voluntarily wonder off was I?

Sam, be strong. Don't believe whatever people say all the time. Doubt them. Really doubt them. People are not as simple as you think they are. They behave in all forms. And...they hurt you. Just because you are stupid and naive.

Too bad. Hurt all you want. They don't frikkin care.

2011-02-20T22:20:00.002+08:00

It sucks.
Can I just stop thinking about anything?

Why does it bother me that I probably mean less or nothing at all?
Heck it.

2011-01-26T21:13:00.001+08:00

I hate feeling upset about stuff that people don't give a damn about.

2011-01-18T20:43:00.003+08:00

Hehe. I'm currently sick and dying now. Ok not that bad now since I've taken panadol.

But yeah, I'm happy that a lot of people care about me. Or so I think. (:

Went for a 'send alicia off' dinner ytd but I was such a wet blanket cause I was dying from fever and muscleaches. Towards the end I was tearing already. But my friends were really nice to me! :D Thanks so much xinyi, jolyn, alicia and dot! :D They helped me get warm drinks, carried my bag for me, became my pillar of support (literally) and even sent me home. I'm really thankful! (: Thank God for my loving friends! :D (And I thank my brother in law chevy for wishing me well too! :D)

I was ok in the first block of the day. And then I started becoming quiet and dead. At first even I thought it's because I was annoyed at something. But then I started to feel cold and everything. My temperature became warped and I started to ache. Then I became crazy in chem lecture and whined alot. I think Tim and Max would've thought I'm crazy if they didn't know I was unwell. Yay! I thank all the people who asked me if I'm okay! :D

Tim papa and asim were really nice yesterday. Tim helped me carry my bag and even lent me his umbrella though he had chess at night. Grah, I felt bad. ): Then he and asim had to run in the rain. D: Then uncle asim came from HCI to NJ to look for me after his h3 was done. Thank you so much! Bwahaha. Gentlemen! (:

Then, Amanda, Ben, fatcat, and felix didi asked me if I'm okay too. Xie xie guan xin! :D I have awesome classmates! (:

Then I need to thank Michelle Yi Ling and Max too. My bestest buds in class(: Thank you for caring about me and entertaining me! (:

Hopefully I'll survive this and get well really soon and go to class and start making noise again! (:

Hoho. Great chance to jian fei! (:

2011-01-15T22:29:00.001+08:00

SO HAPPY! :D
Haha. It's like the happiness runs out from your heart to your face to all of your body.
Hehe. I'm happy that I got praised for playing well today! :D
It felt like the time when I was said to be nice, and the time that someone said I had cute face. Hohoho. Not being ego okay. But i need to document my happy times so that when I'm emo I can remember these feelings and extract them to drown out my sorrows. HOHO.

Please let the trombones have a revolution man.

2011-01-06T23:54:00.002+08:00

HEHE.
I'm happy. (:
Since I write here when I'm sad. I should post when I'm happy too right?
Happiness deserves more credit than sorrow and a lot of times we just remember the sad things that occur to us which ain't the way.

I realised that sometimes, having people say that you are nice can feel better than people praising your appearance. YAY. :)
Gosh. My english sounds broken and odd. I better do something about it.

And yay! I feel loved by my class and my friends! :) I need to remember that and not hate myself more than i ought to. :)

Okok. Aim 25! :D

2011-01-03T22:00:00.002+08:00

Where are my best friends when I need them?
Who are they even?
When I cry by myself because my father doesn't believe in God. Who's there to give me a shoulder?
It's sad being the only christian in the family. And even sadder too that I hardly have anyone damn close to to talk to about stuff like this because my closer friends wouldn't understand since they're not christian either. This just feels so horrible I want to melt away and blend into the backgrounds. I don't even want to breathe anymore. I don't want to feel anything either. It sucks too that there's not really anyone who would be happy to hear from you. Like genuinely awaiting for you to talk to them. Continue feeling happy. Continue the merry making. I'll just try to fade out.

2010-12-02T23:00:00.002+08:00

SHOOT.
I'm damn sian.
And I'm starting to feel quite sad for myself. Rotting at home. ):
I don't feel like mugging OMG.
And I've been hardcore exercising for like 2-3 weeks and I'm not getting any skinnier. OMG.
THIS IS DAMN ANNOYING.
And it sucks to see skinny pretty girls walking around while fats stick to you though you've been running like a mad wild boar or skipping like you'r on some springs. URGH.

2010-11-13T20:06:00.002+08:00

Inert is good! (:
Batch outing yesterday!
And i felt really happy.
Cause I was inert! HOHO.
Really a good feeling man.

BUTTER SQUIDS. HOHO.

And REALLY INERT IS GOOD.
I shall stay that way! (:

I don't have to feel sad about liking a guy at a time or liking 2 guys at a time! (:
I shall just be inert and have 2 very good guy friends. (:
I hope I'm their good friend too!
Haha. It'd be interesting to hear their crushes and help them woo their gfs! (:

2010-11-08T22:48:00.001+08:00

It sucks.
That sometimes there are people who you value.
But to them, you're just a person passing in their life. No more than an ant that just crossed their path.
To feel so small, when in your life, they're so big.
It sucks.

But let it go.
The wind caught it.

2010-10-31T18:10:00.003+08:00

Is it true that we should all be spending time loving all those that already love us?
And keep from wasting our love on those who are just there to deplete our capacity to love.

As much as this might save us from pain, I'm sure God doesn't think that way.
If not, He'd never love me.

I'm a happy bubble.
And I shouldn't ever let anything or anyone threaten that characteristic of me.
Why bother myself with all the troubles when others are unconcerned? (:

BOINK BOINK. HAPPY BUBBLE~

2010-10-21T20:18:00.002+08:00

Today's a really bad day.
Super shag from staying up for OP.
And then there's OP today.
It's probably plus PMS too.

But netball IHC was fun. WOOHOO.
Playing GA is awesome. (:
Although we didn't win any matches, at least we managed to tie the last one! Oh yeah.

But while playing, the thought of 3 was just really annoying and disturbing I wanted my life to end so bad. Then I went home alone, being so loner. Squashed and drenched wet in sweat, I was super shag. Then I started to have cramps and I stank. So i dragged myself back home and I'm still alive miraculously.
And now, I have to do I&R.
It's really a bad day.
With those stirring emotions.
I hope it'll all end soon man.
And I wish I could forget that I ever ...

2010-10-15T21:46:00.001+08:00

Sam. Stop thinking too much.
I say it's a NO, so it's a NO.

2010-10-11T18:34:00.003+08:00

I don't want to feel sad for myself. ):
I don't even know what I'm doing. Grrr.
It's like I feel my friends are kind of slipping away from me?
Though I try my best to be happy for them as much as possible.
But I suddenly feel all empty inside, like being left on an island.
But I'm very sure too that my friends still love me all the same.
I will want to be there for them, but I can't help the way I'm feeling now.

Amidst all these, I can only bury myself in dramas.
So that I have other things to think about.
However, it sort of gives me more reason to feel sad about myself as I go awwww about this and that, and seeing how my life is lacking.

I'll stay strong though. For God, for my friends.
I'm very sure it's only an adaptation period and I'll get through all these fine.
My heart will not stir, and I'll just pace on, with whatever there is to battle.

Now, I'll just continue watching my drama. No one will squeal with me anymore.
It's just me and my unrealistic fantasies.

2010-10-09T13:44:00.002+08:00

((:
I'm happy for my 2 darlings! Even though they abandoned me. Hehe.
And yes, hotmail still sucks. I guess I got to get a new email soon.
But I'm really lazy to do it.

Well, I think I haven't actually posted about my birthday.
It was really sweet of my class to get me smuggly! Love it loads. And i can now have something huge to hug when i feel sad. It's like a sturdy shoulder to lie on. (: And i received cards and kinder bueno! <3

I'm now pretty shag. Shall sleep again later.
It was class chalet from thursday to friday. And i stayed a night at rws ytd.
WAH i feel so nub! I was quite bad at pool and I DELETED THE CHALET PHOTOS. ):

We stayed at aloha loyang! It wasn't bad! The chalet was pretty big and we had 4 bedrooms. There were like 4 guitars and everyone played random stuff. The barbeque was much simpler than the one for 401 class chalet last year. I mean last year, it was pretty messy! Haha. I like these bigger chalets with like living rooms to hang around in, unlike those small ones.

The highlight was cycling! Zomg, I really wanted to kill myself after it. Anyway, so we left at around 9 plus and came back ard 12 plus. It was pretty fun! (: To cycle around roads in a big group...of 13. And yay! We didn't go to changi hospital. I would've needed a brave soul to cling onto. They kept saying if we were to take a picture there it would end up as 14 ppl. Oh wait, that wouldn't make sense since we needed a photographer. Haha. We went to changi village. And I drank barley~! Yum yum. We tried to take a table shot. And we took like 20 photos cause I had no idea my camera takes 4 shots at a go. (AND I IDIOTICALLY DELETED THE PHOTOS YTD! ): ) There were lotsa fat cats lying around so guiliang seemed pretty happy to have company! The ride back seemed much easier. There weren't as many strenuous up slopes as we thought there'd be.

We got back, and finally bathed! Zomg. It feels good to be clean. And went around a few rooms to have fun. But zomg, my arms and legs were aching so bad I wanted to die. Im such a nub! My palms were also really red and shiny. ): IM A NUB. )):
I ATE LOTSA NACHOS. FATS ): And yay! I have a nice class! ((: <333
When i was dozing off in a corner, Michelle handed me a pillow! And nicholas was like, eh sam can sleep here and they moved. (: Whee. My class is awesome. And after a while, my aches could take the cold air no more, I went out to the living room. Then syakir, guiliang and max were there. Then we started singing songs, haha. Syakir's favourite song! PERFECT! (: And then we recorded island in the sun with guiliang! Syakir was alr a bit knocked out on the bed alr by then. AND ZOMG. IM DEPRESSED. I SOUND LIKE A TRANNY ON GUILIANG'S CAMERA. SO SAD. D: D: Sobs. But xinyi says she still likes my voice <3 yay. So after that, I attempted sleep a while and set an alarm clock to get ready for sunrise! But when we woke up, it was still really dark and michelle said there we couldnt catch the sunrise from where we were. ): AND AHHHH. When i woke up after stoning in bad, I was hurting super bad la. ):
Gerald and Ben are good chefs! (: Wah man ah! Can cook. Haha. Er...except for the failed salty eggs by ben that nicholas really liked. Lol.
I went out to sit near the beach, it was really cooling and nice. It would've been nicer if I weren't aching. It's nice to just stone there and emo and what not. (:
We had breakfast cleaned up. And that's pretty much about it for chalet. Other than the 'lost of bikes' thing cause my counting fails. Thought we had 13 bikes, but turns out the 11 bikes alr included Yiling and Michelle's kiddy bikes.

We got a free ride to white sands by this really nice uncle that stopped for us! YAY! We were so happy we didn't have to walk all the way/take a public bus. We had men men don don for lunch! Haha. What a funny name! Then we went for pool after that! Everyone was sleeping on the mrt. Haha. But yeah, at least we got seats luh. Max helped my hold the guitar for kinda like the whole journey so I'm really thankful. But zomg, why i so nub. Haha.

AND YES. So happy for jolyn! (:
I'm really tired still. So I should finish up this episode of drama and go sleep.

2010-09-28T17:17:00.002+08:00

I have no idea why I can't log into my hotmail anymore. D:
No msn.
No hotmail.
Sucks.
):

And promos.
Zomg.
JUST FLUNK???

And seriously, this isn't the time to think about all the unnecessary stuff.
Especially when it's all made up by my thick skinned self.
I really hate this.
My logical mind is telling me that please! Both are not happening.
Yet my stupid thick skinned self chooses to think otherwise.
I want to slap myself.

2010-09-15T23:24:00.002+08:00

I feel like a sleepy koala bear.
Sleep deprived is bad.
I roam around like a zombie.

Sigh. I really feel super screwed up.
About promos, about PW for being so slack, and about ___.
OMG. Why am i so screwed?
Ok, it's actually not that bad. But I don't want it to affect me.
And have I finally mentioned how I love my class?
I remember detesting it in the first few weeks of school.
But it's really awesome now. (:
And Felix is super nice!
Always asking if someone is ok if he or she look sick/unwell. I mean other people don't even bother doing such simple stuff. The fact that he does makes him really nice. (:
Felix and Aaron are like the kinda guy friends that you can have forgetting they are guys. As in not that they are gay. Totally not what I meant. But like the kind that you can be comfortable with, not seeing them in the guy kinda way la. Omg, very confusing. Haha.
WR submission is my birthday! I wonder if that's something to be happy or sad about.
When i cheered for only myself like a retard. Haha.
Think it's gonna be a pretty sad birthday this year. ):
But hopefully my emotions clear up by then.
I really hope that I won't be sad this time by stuff that people won't do for me on my birthday because I'm not special/important to them.
I think I see birthdays as important! But hmm, some people just don't really care do they?
But yeah, I guess it's also the time where I can really tell...who really cares. (:

I really hope I'll stop being so screwed up. Clear the lines man sam! (: ):

2010-09-05T11:53:00.002+08:00

length in metres!

I was wondering to myself that day, and wow after that the person in the show on tv had the same query too.
If we were given only a choice, would we choose to love someone we love and not be requited, or would be choose to be loved by someone though we don't feel the same way about him/her.
I don't have my answer, and I don't know what I'd choose. But, isn't it always easier to be loved than to love? Ok maybe it's not, but I think it is.

Hmm, so sometimes I kind of get annoyed at myself for thinking too much. Thinking too much about the unnecessary. For example, thinking that I have to make a choice when I don't. Things could just remain the way it is and I should be thankful for it, instead of racking my brains and making myself feel all upset just because I can't get an answer. The things or people that I sometimes get so upset over aren't even feeling half as confused or troubled as I am. So why put myself in that kind of predicament?

I realise too that sometimes I feel like telling Jolyn some stuff. But after that, I actually get confused at what I wanted to tell. Like my content is just like the kind you'd go "Ahuh...so your point is......?". I get that even from myself too. I don't know what my point is, but I just want to talk about it. Odd eh?

Well, technically it's the holidays. But yep, it just means time to study. I really ought to buck up this time and so if I am...why am i here? I kind of get freaked out by how some other people are mugging. No, not that it's wrong of them to be so hardcore. It's something I aspire to be as well. But it's just scary somehow that people can be less...sociable and friendly-ish once they start hitting the books.

Sigh, I wish I wouldn't be too bothered with the unnecessary. Let me just be a nerd and study hard this time. Even my math power is gone...

A while ago, I was pretty sure of one thing. Then, the feeling subsided. But when people stirred it up, I thought it was back again, only to find that I'm rocking from side to side. If only it could be an amagamtion! It'd make things easier for me. (: But let me remind myself once again, I don't have to make that choice. So why bother about whether I'm sure of it or not? (:

2010-08-31T20:53:00.002+08:00

Whee!
Teacher's Day celebration today.
But I'm plagued with flu=>cough, I don't know what it's morphing into and being a lazy stubborn idiot I refuse to go the doctors. So I ended up taking a 3 hour nap today. Wah, so shiok. But so slack. RAWR, didn't go back to RG to see the teachers because I figured it'd be really crowded and I don't know who to look for too... Although I must admit I really really miss Mr Chua! He's such an awesome physics teacher! (:

Ytd's section dinner ended up being batch instead. Hehe. Wah, but this bug in me is like making me high and then suddenly very uncomfortable also. I can't breathe properly man! ): And I am in awe of Luke's stomach capacity! O: Ok, it's not surprising seeing how we've seen him wolf down food+food+food over the past few months. But haha, ytd was just O.O Quintus was like saying "YOU CAN EAT AN ELEPHANT LA!" And then Quintus seemed pretty pissed after me, Jolyn and Kang Jie were laughing about Project Work. Wahahahahahha. Aiya, the point is, I know alot of people hate Project Work, myself included, but! It seems that PW is loved. ((: Gives that eye with raised eyebrows to Xinyi, Jolyn and Kang Jie. WAHAHAHA.

Today's Performance was not bad la. (: Ms Naidu and Max and Nicholas said it was good! (: I hope it is. Lol. And my class can't recognise me with 2 ponytails D:. I LOVE THE DANCE STUDIO! It's so awesomez! Smells nice too. Not anything like the rotten carpets of any band room. And so I reached the dance studio and just started lying in a corner because of the moodiness I feel from my stupid stucked/blocked nose. And I just stoned there. Haha. The fun parts of the pre performance was...TYING HAIR! Can you imagine??? Guys checking out their tied up hair in reflective surfaces. HAHAH. WHYYY OH WHHHYYY is QUINTUS AND YIFANNNN SOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEE!! ^^ SO DAMN CUTE. Like the 2 bushes on their heads. Haiyo! Why Yifan take our hurh!!! BUSHY BUSHY BUSHY TUFFS OF HAIR. Haha! Then in the end Luke had like 4 bushes on his head? oO Hehe. Like some geographical landform. Then Luke and Quintus kept checking their hair in the male's toilet! And when they finally took the rubber bands out, their hair actually stayed in the tied shape. So hilarious! WAHAHAHA. But Quintus' curly flocks create a cuter bush effect. And when I was exclaiming to him "QUINTUSSS!!!! WHY YOU SOOO CUTEEEEEEE!!!!!" he smiled and winked back. WAHAHAHHAHAHAHA. WHY SO CUTE! LIKE JOHNNNNN ((: Then Luke and Quintus kept doing crazy handstands at the door behind the hall. Haha. Quite cool la! Jolyn was like telling me that too! Hehe. But the funny part came when Luke was doing his handstand then his shirt flipped a bit. Then Kang Jie went "No 6 packs". Then Luke went to the wall to :'( HAHAHA. But after that, I was asking Jolyn why we think handstands are cool. It's just a person standing flipped over right? I mean your phone doesn't look cooler with it flipped right? Haha. That's quite a rubbish thought.

Carrying a tuba is a great work out! (: Should do that when I feel fat! Aw man, isn't that like all the time?? D: AND WHY! WHY IS THERE A LACK OF GENTLEMEN ON THIS PLANET. D< Jolyn and I wanted our MACS BREAKFAST! ): But we were too late for it luh. So end up lepaking in the dance studio and then went for lunch much later!

PFFT mrt fare so ex! But i met hazel! (:
And weird uncle on the mrt O:

SAMMY WILL GET WELL SOONNN :D

2010-08-21T23:48:00.005+08:00

HELLO BLOGGG! (:
I wonder why I'm so high. Hehe.
But I shall blog about my day yesterday! I mean friday 20 aug. Yep.

The morning was just so miraculous to me. Ok not miraculous, but woah, pretty surprising. So i left house a bit later than usual and went to take the mrt. ZZZ...End up that there were no seats left. Usually there would be! So I just stood leaning on the glass panel of the mrt and started reading twilight on my iTouch. While reading and listening to music, I realised I kind of lost track of where I am already. I didn't hear the announcement of the stations but I didn't bother either cause I knew I wasn't there yet. So I just kept looking down to the screen for a very long period of time even as I felt the cabin getting squeezier as people filled in. Then, after reading a certain page, I tilted my head up slightly and I saw a white shirt in front of me. I was like hmm, raffles? Then I saw the badge. Then I lifted my head entirely and then ZOMG. I saw MAX. And he was smiling/laughing at me luh! (bet he was laughing at how slow i am!) It was like 4-5 stops from admiralty already when I realised. Zomg. I took such a long time to notice! Lols. Then I spent quite a while laughing at my own spasticness and recovering from the shock. People must have thought I was/ we were crazy, cause I was smiling at my stupidity and trying to type on his phone to him and failing when he's just opposite me. Wah, how rare can this be luh. It's scary! Like so coincidental. I'm later than usual, he's half an hour later than usual and we end up in the same cabin. Oh oh I forgot to mention, before I lifted my head, I was thinking about some class stuff and so max flashed past my brain too. So ok, you can imagine how shocking it is to look up and see the person there. Anyways, great encounter though. How many times in your life can you get pleasant shockings like that.

Well, I think I wasted my friday away! I mean the time in between school and the recital luh. So many hours and I just slacked it away without doing any work! But hehe, saw yiling and ben at dhoby mrt station! Awww so sweet! :D Must be a happy thing to celebrate your birthday like that. The recital was not bad! (: Hearing imba people play! (: But I admit I got pretty tired towards the end. I would have enjoyed the brassy stuff even more if I had the energy. And! WAHHH. Luke's whole family went to watch him eh. I'm so jealous. )): My parents didn't even come for Atempo. ):
AND YAY! I BROUGHT QIUMAO HOME. (: He's currenly enjoying himself. Ok maybe not. But I bet I talk to him more than Luke talks to him! :P I hope my attempt at stitching his neck back won't fail. :P

I turned on the radio today on the car. And I heard Uncle Kracker's Smile immediately. And i smiled. (:

2010-08-03T00:06:00.000+08:00

all over again. ):

2010-07-29T00:11:00.001+08:00

WAH.
I hate hormones!
Because I totally know I am PMS-ing now and having a totally annoyed mood and I can't control it. My logical mind tells me there's nothing to be upset over.
But I just can't help feeling annoyed at so much stuff.
:@

2010-07-24T00:44:00.003+08:00

OMG OMG OMG OMG.
WE GOT GOLD????
EVEN THOUGH THE PLAYING WAS ><.
And sigh my one player part...
I didn't screw up like inunion la. But it could have been a lot better. ):
And ZOMG. Almost lost my phone and camera! :O
From all the highness la.
Wah was really quite bleak la.
Then went to my favourite spot in RI again and look at moon and star.
Then damn sian.
When they announce RG 93+ i thought we GG alr. Since we wouldn't be anywhere close the mark! BUT WE LIKE AROUND 91??? OMGGG..
It was really hype when they announce the points. All like ard 90...then we just held hands and jin zhang and just yell YEAHHHH....
OMG AWESOMEZ.
Really so happy.
Even though I screwed up.
And wah. I think band people so cute!
Haha. When weijie asked me whether I was crying and Yingbo haha...the interaction was so funny.
And when we were meditating outside after screaming and yelling alot.
Then i realised that joseph actually quite cute too! When he was jumping around saying we got gold! Then he reminds me of yifan's cuteness. AHHH.
(:
I'm really happy.

And 'Just The Way You Are' is officially my fave song now. (:

2010-07-22T23:30:00.002+08:00

Have got to sleep soon! So I shall make this quick! (:

Tomorrow's SIBF! (:
I really hope I'll enjoy it wholeheartedly and play it like I'm having fun and not be too stressed about anything. I'm really thankful for all the encouragement I've received. And tonight's section dinner was really not bad! I mean it really just brings back the band fun/love. (: The J2s are awesomely nice too to agree to come for dinner. (: And Lucas' tummy is damn interesting the way it BOINKS out. Hehe. Gosh. My money!!! $20 bucks on dinner. :( Even though I had free lunch and waffle earlier in the day luh. Hehe.
Yes Come on! Jiayou. Tomorrow will be an awesome day.

Next, I shall talk about the 1 week and 1 day jumbo deal.
Haha, everyone's been asking about my complicated relationship status on facebook.
It ended today! Though it was a really interesting experience that denied me of an entirely spinster-ish JC life. The deal was damn rubbish though. Haha. But we had lots of fun annoying the whole class! (: But I'm pretty much sure they were entertained. (:
It's like, although it's fake, but it kinda felt nice that someone's being nice to you. (: Simple things make a difference.
Hmm, like someone holding your bag for you? Or helping you get food and stuff like that la. Just look at YiLing and Ben la. ((:
So we had lunch tgt as a class at RI today! I love the Japanese stall! (:
And it was raining. I really love the weather today. I hardly get to experience that. I've always wanted to walk in the rain, with the nice breeze. And it was really like that today. Without disgusting humidity and ultra super strong sunlight. It was really just perfect. I would have sat on the grass if I weren't afraid to wet my skirt. And so the whole class laughed at me when I squatted at the field. ==
And when I walked into the rain the whole class made a lot of noise la. Haha. It's like the sound from the canteen is projected to the field so the whole class could be heard. All the roaring sounds and laughter. And after a while of walking the class suddenly had this loud cheer. Haha it was quite...hmm, i dunno how to describe. But sigh, provide entertainment for the class lor? Haha. Poor max was forced to go to the field as well. And stupid yamani ask us to squat at the field for what. == And michelle's filming skills are ... HAHA. SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE.
But true true(quoting a certain doraemon), it's really quite drama-ish ? The rain la. Haha. I wish that I could go sit in the rain again. It's really awesome. (:
Maybe next time, it'd be a real boyfriend. HAHAHA. :P ><
So yeah, that's the end of jumbo hot dog deal!
I hope YL and mich will honour their promise and buy me a hot dog soon.

if perfect's what you're searching for then just stay the same. <3 (:
That song's really sweet. (:
And I'm again, waiting for that umbrella.

2010-07-19T20:37:00.002+08:00

I'm really happy now!
So I should blog about it! (:
MO said one player today for a part in pops march. It was really mixed feelings. :(
I didn't know whether I should play it or not, and whether I was up to it. There were others who wanted to play it as badly as me too. And I've a record of a screwed up solo. But I guess, I should take it as an opportunity to fulfil my wish that has been there for a long time.
My section is getter nicer! (: And I'm really thankful for that. I'm really happy that I have such awesome section batch mates to count on when troubles occur. And in my section, that's pretty frequent.
I'm really happy that the juniors are becoming nicer too. And even June Hong makes my day once in a while. I actually find out that Tobby and June Hong are actually nice kids inside too. :)
And there's always Amanda that encourages me. She'll always be a dear darling junior to me for giving me so much support and confidence boost when I need it. :)
And IMBA TUBA PRAISE ME. OMG!!!
So yeah! I'm super high now! (:
Thank GOD. (:

And it'll be a few more days to my JUMBO hot dog.
And a few more days to SIBF.
We'll make the best out of it. ;)

2010-07-14T22:27:00.003+08:00

:(
This is bad. Why do I keep feeling so sad even when it's not PMS hurh?! Sigh.
I wonder what I'm getting myself into.
I'm diving in knowing I'll probably get hurt.
I'm thinking I'm probably sad because of ____. It feels like the last time again. :(
So maybe, I should just heck and be crazy for the next week.

The moon and the star beside it was really pretty today. If only I could lay down on some field and fall asleep with the cool breeze drying my tears away.

2010-07-13T21:52:00.003+08:00

Sigh.
I guess solitary walks home do help me sort out my thoughts a bit. Well, technically they don't help me sort my thoughts. But I guess a small amount of emo time helps to subside my crazy emotions a little.
You know, sometimes I really don't know what to do anymore.
But yeah "All I can do is hope and pray, cause heaven knows."
It's like this wave crashing over me. The stuff that's happening at home and the feelings that I feel. I know I wouldn't like it, but sometimes I can't help wanting my heart to be numb. So that I won't feel anything at all. Seriously, it sucks to feel this way man.
Like I don't know why today my mood was kinda bad. It probably wasn't even over my stupid D grade for physics, because considering how badly I screwed up, D wasn't that bad. Oh sheesh, and the econs and GP that's gonna come. Roar. Well, I did quite well for math, but I still wasn't happy. I seriously didn't know why.
And yeah, when I'm sad, it's not like I have a funny monkey to cling onto. Sigh.

Apparently, I've recently been a-ben-doned by yiling! So that leaves me as the only one unattached within the 38club. :( And aw, heartbroken max. Bwahaha. Although he didn't mean it and it TOTALLY isn't true, it still felt quite nice to hear "Sam's different." Hopefully one day someone will say it to me meaning it...
And gosh, I fell at the MRT station like a stupid fat pig. SIGH again. :( And went ouching and limping into the mrt carriage. Hope I won't get a bruise. But considering my weight ah, sigh again.

On another note, finally watched totoro! Though i finally realised the storyline was >< . But i really love the idea of people holding umbrellas! :) I think I'm crazy or something but I really like it when someone holds an umbrella for me. (:

SIGH SIGH SIGH. I just feel like doing that alot. And I realise I like sleeping alot nowadays. Because I really feel tired. Extremely tired. Not physically. But mentally. :(

I want to pull away. But how?

2010-07-05T23:37:00.002+08:00

Toy Story 3 finally! (:
With quintus linjin josiah.
It was a great movie! (:
Damn funny and I love Totoro!

Class Outing not bad luh! (Y)
But the movie was just ==
I didn't cry!
It's quite rare. I tear at almost every movie.

And grrr...Why do I always end up crying cause I'm not sure what I should do...

2010-07-03T20:50:00.002+08:00

WHEE. Apart from my sadness. I need to add.
Band guys are damn nice and sweet and cute. (:
Though hmmm they might not know.
But yeah the stuff that they do unknowingly sometimes are really nice. (:
Thanks. (:

2010-07-03T19:26:00.002+08:00

feels like hell.
but this isn't even hell yet.

Well congratulations to myself on screwing up CTs. Need to do something about it.
And well it has been a few days of spoilt plans/outings.
Though it was still nice to hang around with people.

Thursday. Spoilt Toy Story plan with Jolyn that ended with monopoly. But luckily nice linjin treated me bubble tea! After I managed to hold my breath past 50 s. And my record was 1 min 10 s. Whee. (:

Friday. Batch Outing. Teehehe. Nice to hang around with these familiar faces again. But yeah, only played a while at minds cafe and we kept meeting people which was super coincidental. (:

Saturday. Toys story attempt 2! Went to 3 cinemas. No tickets la...Disgusting timings la...Disgusting seats luh. So ok. Didn't manage to watch...But yeah was really thankful that josiah linjin and johnson didn't mind watching the 7 pm one! Thanks! :D Though we didn't in the end. But that was really nice! So it was 10 + people...then along the way we kept losing people until there was only Josiah Linjin Luke Kang Jie and I rotting at macdonalds. Not a bad chat though.

So no dinner. Came back.
And hell began.
Not like it hasnt for a while.
It has been this way for the past ... I lost count. Sorry.
Wow, you start realising things defy gravity.

(Com auto shut down here...even the com is failing me)

So yes, items being destroyed. TIAN FAN DI FU.
Oh please, why has it got to be this way?
But oh well, maybe it isn't the worst it can get?
:( :(

Maybe this has been the in built mode for me recently. That's why I have been losing my cheerfulness and noisiness. And I just auto lapse into deadness.

SO. NO TOTORO TO WATCH. NO TOY STORY 3 TO WATCH. YEESH.

Please. Can I just not let what others do affect my mood and feelings?
Can I just be selfish and think of only myself?
Can I just STOP really please STOP thinking about the impossible and the unreal?
It's unreal. It's untrue. And maybe even if it's close to reality, it's temporary. I shall just count on God. (: And don't expect that in the rain someone will hold that umbrella for me. And when I'm in pain someone will just magically appear to save me. No. This is earth. That doesn't happen.

Please. I don't want to fall into that pit again. The pit where there's only me. And I can't tell anyone about...

Things will get better. I hope. At least CTs over. And if I ever want to stop my steps and think about everything and what I should do about them (though i don't think it will work out) , I will probably be able to spare more time.

For now, sam, just stop thinking about that.

2010-06-26T11:24:00.000+08:00

不要对我那么好。

2010-06-24T17:04:00.001+08:00

WAH. Die already man.
Even math is killing me.
That means I kinda have no hope. :O
Why did I become so stupid ah?
Studying seems to be extremely tough now. ):

I MUST PUSH THOSE OTHER THOUGHTS ASIDE.
At least until after CTS. (:

Strive On.
I must.
For the many motivations that lay ahead of me. (:
1 week later will be freedom.

2010-06-13T22:22:00.003+08:00

CALL ME DESPERATE WHATEVER.
Ok actually nobody has called me that yet.

BUT OMG.
LoveGivesMeHope is so fairytale like.
And certain people around me are like having blissful lives.
And this and that! RAWR.
So everyone else is happening! Nyahaha.
I should probably rip myself of emotions for now and just mug like hell so I don't get distracted!
And maybe then I can probably go to a uni in US and find Mr.K. LOL!
Ok,k I'm being retarded. :D
See! That's why I should stop thinking about crap.
And better not recall that...

(: SMILE AND MOVE ON.
And my dear friend. If you are reading this you should know who you are. (:
I can't be more happy for you. (:

2010-06-11T21:39:00.002+08:00

I'm tired.
I feel like just hecking.
But cannot right!

Things I found out today!
It's good to feel warmth in emoness once in a while.
The steps facing the field is a nice place to sit.

One day I'll find you.
And you're going to get it from me!

Running.
Crying.
That breathlessness.
Sweat.
Tears.
All these mix up and you don't know what they are anymore.
The lights sparkle in your own tears. They look like pretty crystals or stars.
They blur your vision, but it's ok, because you don't want to see anything anymore.

That Umbrella will appear for me one day.

2010-06-09T23:43:00.002+08:00

Hmm...come to think of it.
People rarely stand up for me. I have to dig into my brain to recall such incidents out of which they are pretty err...
Usually it's me shouting at some person and fighting for my friend?
(And then later spraying someone's bag with water ><)
It'd be good for a change.

2010-06-09T22:24:00.002+08:00

Eeks.
Think I've grown weak.
But Jolyn says it's for the better? :P
Is it true? I mean haha...was the tough sam really that bad? ):

Looking back at what happened today...
What would be my normal reaction?
Perhaps if I weren't the one to ask him to blow the straw I would have been in a position to be tougher?
But then, probably not. I probably wouldn't do that.
Cause Luke was really scary.
Hehe. Somehow the drama keeps replaying in my mind. :O

But I was really grateful. (:
Lucky there was Luke to um...wake the juniors up? So that sectionals can finally be more productive. (: I'm not trying to anal purposely...I'm just attempting to help the section sound better? Haha. That's the probably the only time I'll acknowledge Luke is handsome on my own accord. Besides the many other times that I was forced to believe it's true. MUAHAHA.
Lucky there was Ernest! The awesome middle man. Without him, the juniors would probably be roaming around elsewhere. Playing whoever knows what instru. He's the great transmitter. The bridge. Aw...Thanks for the support dude! It's greatly appreciated (:
LUCKY THERE'S AMANDA TODAY! WAH. What great coincidence. (: Thanks amanda for the pretty but retarded flower. :D Wah, seriously...Lucky you're there. So that I didn't swallow myself up in guilt today. It's really awesome to have you around again, albeit it being a short time. BUT I'M STILL DISAPPOINTED IN YOU NOT TELLING ME CERTAIN STUFF. HURH HURH.

Lucky there was kangjie and weishan on monday too! (:
If not I would have weakened too.
WHAT THE. EH SAM WHAT'S YOUR PROB. GET UR BUBBLY TOUGH DAO SELF BACK CAN!
DON'T LET PEOPLE ATTITUDE YOU! YOU BE NICE AND ATTITUDE THEM WHEN IT'S NEEDED!
(:

Graah...Mugging PHAILS. (:
But nevertheless...today was still a memorable day. (:
BABOON IS SCARY.

2010-06-08T22:24:00.002+08:00

I will do what He has told me to do. (:

With all that love, support and encouragement.
With the people that have placed their trust in me.
It doesn't matter. You know it won't.
Just play nice, do your job.
It's for everyone's good.
Be nice.
Yep.
I can do it.
Tolerance. :D

2010-06-02T23:22:00.003+08:00

It's be nice if the lyrics of ONE were directed to me. MUAHAHA.
Hmm...It's hard to find someone that you can talk about anything at all to and not feel like you are infringing their time.
I like seeing more opp font colour than my own. So I won't feel like a crazy train ranting to the other unwilling party.
HELLO SAM.
IF THEY DONT TALK TO YOU AUTOMATICALLY ON MSN, THEN DONT TALK TO THEM. BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY THEY DONT WANT TO TALK TO YOU. (:
Come on. Learn this. And I'd be better off spending my time on something else.

When will the hardcore mugger mood come to me?

2010-05-30T22:08:00.001+08:00

Woke up in tears.
It's scary when that happens.
To realise that you can actually be so frightened/hurt by what happens in a dream.
In the dream, I was feeling so bad because I was heartbroken and also wronged for something.
I end up running out of the house, not forgetting to bring along my phone before that because I wanted to call someone to talk to.
It's odd.
But does the dream really reflect what I've been thinking about when I'm conscious?
Maybe. Yeah. It probably does.
Scary.

2010-05-29T23:04:00.001+08:00

Putting down this baggage for the second time.
Yep. Let me believe I can do it. (:
YES. At least I started off with deleting those messages.
YEAH YEAH YEAH. GO SAM!

2010-05-28T00:29:00.002+08:00

Complicated Complicated Complicated.
There are so many mines in the canteen.
I don't know.
It seems like when I see certain people I'd have mixed feelings.
Avoid or hi?
What would I do if it were a normal setting?
You don't get it. No, no one does.
It was supposed to stop.
It did. I was sure.
But why did it start all over again?
What's this?
Maybe it's just me having mood swings and all.
But maybe, it's the wound tearing open all over again.
No it can't.
I promised myself to move on.

Where am I?
Am i stuck in my orange dilemma?

WHERE ARE YOU DUDE.

2010-04-30T23:21:00.002+08:00

Whn you're angry, fed up, hurt, tired and there's no one to talk to. You come to blogger.

Omg. Today's Cadenza XII. Pretty good job by the juniors though I think my ears have learnt to be sharper than before. It was supposed to be a good and high day for me. But unfortunately it ended up pretty bad.

Slack day today! But wasted so much time. And got urggh for PI.
Sometimes I wonder who I can really rely on man.
If I need that hug. If I need that shoulder.
I somehow turn less disturbed when I have to listen to my friend's problem instead.

But today was just. I don't know. Nothing really bad happened. But I just can't take the trauma. Maybe I'm just pms-ing again. But somehow I'm pretty scared and stressed about PI and PW. I wanna just let go man. Stop everything and all.
And I hate crying easily and getting hurt easily.

Oh well. I hope band will really cheer me up tomorrow. And I really love my class for supporting band for ATEMPO! :D

GREAT JOB RGSSB! :D <3

And now saying hi to him is just...weird. I don't get that happy feeling anymore.

TOTORO. PLEASE DROP FROM THE SKY AND GIVE ME A BIG WARM HUG.

2010-04-24T22:04:00.001+08:00

WOOHOO. (:
I am really happy today! Except for the small part in the middle.
Anyway, it started out with band! :D I look forward to band pracs and that's a good thing. :D Cause it's full of fun and love and hyperventilation and I don't know what. (:
It was pretty funny seeing the chamber people looking almost dead tired. Like zonk out. You turn around and see xinyi and quintus bending down closing their eyes and half dead.
For today's band prac we did the Hokkaido Song. It's pretty long and...I've fallen in love with the song! :D :D :D Ahhh. Reason No.1 for me to get high! (: And my mood got really awesome because of that song cause the melody's nice and all. :) Awww...I love songs that make me cry and hate it when they do. But i still love the emotions that surge up in me when I play. I've been thinking. I'll hate to not be in band anymore in like 1 year+ ? :( Haha. Then at that time I'll join rwinds. :D BUT NO OURA!!!! :(
So we went through the song and found that it's uber nice. (: Except that the ending will annoy the audience. I think. HAHA. Then after that Oura actually had a bit of time to do samba! AHHHHHHH :D Then I got super super high after that cause the song is like so ooompf. Like the beats get you high and moving and there's the damn cool perc 7 bars thing. And the 7 bars of almost brass soli after that. BUT! I hyperventilate the most at C and O. WHEN QUINTUS PLAYS THE TRUMPET SOLO. OMG!!! :D. Ahhhh that's like my favourite solo of atempo. <3 (beside's lucas's warabe part) I get really excited before C and O and then smile alot after each of the 4 bars. AHHHHH. :D :D :D :D :D :D <3 <3 <3 and then around that part i'll turn around to look at xinyi and we'll smile at each other. :D :D :D

So yeah band kept me really happy...until...top of the 8.
I saw someone there. I don't know what kind of feeling it is la. It's just suddenly my highness drop to a low. But then I feel neutral too. It's just like standstill and ----------------. Blank.

But oh well, band peeps craziness of thumb/finger game kept me high all over again. (:

I RAN TODAY. And weighed myself after that. Supposedly got lighter :P. But the stupid flys are damn annoying. Like those that come after rain. SO FREAKING DISGUSTING when it gets to my face and head and hair. URRRGH.

2010-04-20T20:57:00.002+08:00

I AM HAPPY. (:
3 people said my dp's nice! :D Hahaa. Ok like whatever right! But nobody ever said anything related to my face is nice. Haha. :D So yeah, sth to be happy about once in a while. You see I don't have an ultra huge ego that blocks myself from the mirror so yeah.

JC is scary. Like the most unexpected people are actually attached and stuff like that. Gosh Heart Attack.

Woo went back to RG today. Yeah, pretty much feels like home except that the batch isn't there to fill up that feeling. Glad to see juniors moving to the music! :D
And Mr Oura is so cute! Haha. Me and Xinyi were sitting at the back of the hall until he suddenly walked towards us with a piece of paper. To tell us to do math. Haha. XD. Hmmm. Let's see if I can rmb the question!
A,B,C and D were to share the price of a gift equally. But on the day that they bought the present, D did not bring money so A,B and C paid. A paid 5/13 of the amount that B and C paid altogether. B paid 6/7 of the amount C paid. Then, D paid C the $15 that he owed him. How much did A and B pay altogether? How much did C have to pay A?

Ahhhh...RUNNING 2.4 tmr. I CAN DO THIS. LET ME NOT FREAK OUT. I'VE DONE THIS SO MANY TIMES I've probably already ran 240km. Ok maybe not. But anyway, yeah BUCK UP TMR. Time to sync some funky music to my ipod :D

2010-04-14T23:28:00.002+08:00

AHHH. I'm really very very very happy about play! Rejoining band is really a great decision because it has been the thing that has kept me alive and going in RJ. Or RI. :D I really feel alot of love there and that's where I can really be myself and just be lame crap and anything la. People play around with me and accept me for who I am. I don't feel confined. Today I really got high after PLAY! and started screaming with like a huge ego. I never could do that. But today I kept exclaiming I'm damn hot! HAHA. And people around me were like. Wow, I bet she must be damn hot la. HAHAHA cause of the gazillion layers of stuff I'm wearing for vader costume. FIRST TIME PEOPLE SAY IM HOT. GOSH. HAHAH. :D Must remember that.

Well, I must say we've really spent alot of effort on PLAY!. Sweat Bruises and Lagging behind in work and everything. And we've really bonded as a batch. I'm really writing all this down because I never want to forget the love as a band and batch that I feel so strong today. :D I'm really just very touched along the way la. Even though it's only been a few months that I've been in RSB. I really love my section my seniors and everything and really everything. Everyone's so nice and I was actually quite touched when Lucas just asked eh are you ok or not? Though it's a really simple sentence but yeah. :D. Ok i think im easily satisfied? Or when i retardedly conduct the band and bonbonventure shows me the serious vader face that I'm supposed to show. And when like people offer me hugs when i exclaim I NEED A HUG. Ok. There's so many things flashing in my brain right now that I can't type fast enough! :( BTW, I'm addicted to bonbonventure's "YEAH" pose. And I enjoy skipping to ponyo alot even though I always used to show an awkward face. Gosh the way I fell today stepping on the black cloth. I don't even remember how i fell cause I had to get up in a split second to do my imperial march. And i <3 all my friends who came down to watch me today. These are what real friends are man. :) I missed the people who didn't join band back. Aha! Dorothy. XD

Ok so now my knees are of a very nice artwork design. Was so bored that I took pictures of it on the mrt. :) And i love my redline gang. Without them I probably would have died over don't know how many mrt rides. :O

I love crapping with everyone in band too! :D The Cat High guys are hahah. Interesting. :D PERVERSE LUKE.Wow. So many Es. And haha. I rmb the blur face he had when I first waved like during orientation? And i thought Quintus was scary. But gosh. How wrong I was. Then i thought Joshua was this silent and steady cold guy. BUT HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAH. :D Then there's the RI guys that we've known for a bit. And Johnson and Kirk being ultra nice and enthu about everything. Brandon being smart and active in dancing and falling on the ground. Yifan being responsible about his props and everything. :D Little boy. Hehe. Then Linjin as Ozsome as always. Ernest being a funny SBM that goes hi pamantha with a droppy tone. Josiah and his dog face asking me to get off the plank. Ooh and there's Zuohao my CCK central mate. :D And haoteng with the diff permuations of names that people call.
My batchmates from RGSSB are of course totally OZSOME too. :D And peiwen being tortured by me. :O Sorry! :P Qishan being the ahem...sneaky sms all the time dunno to who one. Nat and clarice being the outspoken st nick girls. Cheryl with the cute face! :D And Of course my darling SBM weishan being so nice to me as always. I HOPE I DIDNT MISS ANYONE OUT! :D

Ok. I can't think of anything else to say right now. But I really had a great time. And I was feeling slightly sad for the past few days when i think of how RSB life is going to be so short. I'm sure I'll have fun for ATempo again. And for now. I'll just say I love you to everyone in RSB. :D (Gosh. I was saying I love you to so many people backstage today and they just ignored me. I'm rejected. :( )

Thanks for the encouragement from everyone and I really felt the love. Thank God that all these went well and let's pass the love on man. :D <3 <3 <3
FB TIME

2010-04-05T21:20:00.003+08:00

Haven't posted in a while.
School's been pretty ok. Except that i'm lagging behind and not listening and what not.

Band's really fun. Never thought it could be that fun. I mean the way seniors put it is like it's not going to be as fun as RGSSB. But yeah, I'm having loads of fun being in band. The seniors are nice. The batch is nice. :D And i like going home with red-line buddies.

Well, I hope I keep the promise to myself. I'm supposed to let go. And end this. So that I can carry on school and everything properly without thinking about it. I will move on. So that it wouldn't hurt the next time I think about it. :D I will not twitch when I see him. Last night.

Tomorrow is CLASS CAMP! :D Hope I'll survive height elements and what not. (:
Being a teenager is tough and fun all at the same time.

Knowing how blogs are. It just can't be as expressive and emotional and explicit as journals eh.

Chapter closed. Annyong.

2010-03-10T21:59:00.002+08:00

Let me Thank God for the wonderful things again. :D
I don't know but there's just so many little nice things pieced together that makes my RI life so enjoyable. Even though there are many times when I go emo. But i'll gladly accept them because they piece up my life. Without them, life would be so monotonous and unexciting. (:

Well, I'm glad that the huge rain came after I stepped into school today. If not I would've been drenched. Play discussion was quite boring but bonding-ish today. Going home after that with a whole lot of band people was awesome too. (: Had so much fun behaving retarded at the BBT place and on the MRT. But I'm sure some strangers would've been annoyed by us. :P Sorry. XD
And wow. There's like so many coincidences in this tiny Singapore. Is it cause it's too small? But I like these kind of small surprises. Ok maybe it doesn't even qualify as a surprise. But i like the feeling when I realise that some people actually live very near me. Or like when you realise you actually know someone through knowing someone. Aiya the feeling is hard to explain. But it's just a pleasant feeling anyway. (: At least finding people who live near you would make your going home-journeys more tolerable. (:

I hope I'll continue (what continue? never started) to work hard and cherish my times here. There's simply so much that I want to hold on to. So little time. Let me not waste it. (:

2010-02-23T20:26:00.003+08:00

AWWW. I must conserve my happiness that I've felt over the past few days. God has been extremely nice to me. (: I can't thank Him more for the awesome people around me. (:

Well...I have been rather stressed over the enrichment prog stuff thingy luh. Then yeah, Florence who didn't really know me came over to ask me if I were ok on Thurs. So that really sweetened up my day. Then there was Shi Leon who said hi on Friday like while I was waiting for my dad's car to come. It made me realise that I actually have a really nice class. (: Like at first I felt so...Erm sometimes lonely and lost in the class. But having a hi really brightens up the day. (: Then Ssaturday! Band orientation! :D :D. It was really quite fun. Getting to know fellow band mates. And I found out Quintus wasn't scary. :D And I got to play with 2 awesomely cute Japanese boys Shouta and Yusuke. They were SOOO cute! I felt so bad that I had to leave with the little one saying wait! Don't go yet. ): But i had an awesome time with them. (:
Then on Monday when I was absent from school, loads of ppl asked me if I were ok. (: I felt really loved. :D Then today, my classmates made me feel better without me looking like an outcast in physics lecture. (:
How awesome is this.
Thank you dear lord! And I love you loads. I just have so much love to give now! :D

<3 3 3

2010-02-12T20:12:00.002+08:00

I took 5 today! It was awesome spending my time with OG. It's so family like and we can just talk and chit chat. (: I'm really happy that I got to know all these people. I'm very sure that in my life, the days spent being a Rafflesian would be one of the things that I'll live to remember even on my deathbed. We played captain's ball and hand ball and miraculously my huge surface area managed to block 3 goals. Haha! See! Being huge has an advantage now. Wah, but the handball is pretty dense so it actually hurts when you slap it away.
Somehow, I think it's really cool too when we aren't that saliva conscious. It's like this whole OG feeling so thirsty after playing together and then we just heck and drink whatever liquid there is.
Awww. I really look forward to more OG time. Because somehow in the OG when there's less people you actually get more interaction with one another. And we actually talk and have fun and all. It beats having me roaming around the school grounds feeling emo cause there's less of love within RJ as compared to RG. But I really hope it'll get better along the way. Hmm. But like Jolyn said, it indeed will be a regret that we won't be able to know like all the people in our school within this short 2 years. Especially so since a lot of them could have been really nice.
Hmm. With regards to those feelings that I'm keeping inside, I hope it'll just stay there and subside later on. I hope it won't affect me.
Other than that, I really need to learn that I don't have to be someone else for people to like me. I mean if they don't like me for who I am, then it's not worth it to want them to like me. So yeah, I shouldn't feel bad for being me.

I love MR08.

2010-02-06T21:36:00.002+08:00

Hm...It's been quite a few days so I guess I can't rmb the details.

Anyway Orientation has been fun! Except for the time when I got rammed in the head for war games. :( It was a big swell, but I'm fine now. Was really grateful to all the people that asked me if I was ok. Batch Project that day was quite enjoyable too when everyone started painting themselves or others. HAHA bear bear... But yeah, didn't really get to be involved in the decorating of our board though. Too many people. Hmm. That night we went to eat at J8 and we spent a SUPER long time deciding on what we should wear etc. Finally decided and we bought the clothes. Then we went to top of the 8 and started cutting stuff to paste on our shirts the next day. Everyone was really tired, but we had great fun. That was the 3rd day.

For the 4th day, I felt really emo from the start of the day after finding out my class. But yeah now I guess I'm feeling better about it already. I'm really thankful for having those who care about me. (: Haha, I mean I may seem very 'co lo' but yeah I still need hugs ok...Haha. I was feeling so emotional that I even cried. XD. Bleah. That day we also had war games finale~. Wah walking around the whole school in circles avoiding ninjas is pretty hard. The Onite was er...not bad towards the end. But the dancing part was just ==. Because everyone was just knocking into one another cause of the little space we had. But we had much fun cheering our fellow MRians on stage. :D. Yes, emo me cried again when orientation was ending off with batch song and all. The 4 days spent together with everyone in MR08 was great though I was being antisocial for some of the times. Can't wait for take 5 where we can be together again. (:

I really love my OG and am thankful that fate has brought us together. Not to mention our nice OGLs too. :D I still don't know why I feel like I've seen Keng Chee somewhere before. Ah..and reading notes from them is really touching. :D
Even though I always ask people to call me sam cause it sounds closer, but being called Samantha once in a while is nice too. (: Especially when there's only one samantha in our og. Haha. I've lived with being called samlee for quite a while and I kinda don't like it. Haha. Ok. Ahh what else can I say. I miss goreng pisang. And surviving RJ is hard. Hope it'll get better. And i won't feel isolated, distracted or unwanted. (:

2010-01-29T23:04:00.002+08:00

I have no Idea (ok i do) why I'm feeling so emo at this time. It was all quite ok until like towards the night when I probably just felt tired and uneasy. I felt like un-me and I kept thinking about what happened in the morning. It was like repeating in my brain like 'I want to go home' and all. I needed to talk to someone badly but there wasn't anyone luh.

Anyway I was just really troubled by the questions that I couldn't answer in the morning. I didn't know what to do. I felt so hopeless.

Throughout the day, I didn't know how to react too when I saw -. Grr. It's ok, I can just speak to pooh bear when no one's listening. :(

Ok. Enough about the sad stuff! :D
I just want to say that I really LOVE my OG. Though sometimes I still feel uneasy within it. We're really quite enthu! And we really gave our all today. So much so that my legs could have really gone lame. Ok let's start from the top shall we?

Day 1:
Yesterday was the first day of Orientation!!! Yay! It was a bit messed up when I got there. And i was really afraid of like not knowing people. But yeah at least ok la. Then we had like attendance taking and all. Icebreakers the usual? Then station games. But before that we had storyline. The J2s really worked very hard because it looks very prepped and it's really quite funny and intersting to watch. OMG MAN FTW. Haha. For station games we had stuff like going into dark rooms, some balloon touch rugby, grids jump jump thing, obstacle course, soccer with the pole, solve math and do tasks, sit on powdered chair and play scissors papers stone,human dodge ball ... can't remember anymore. But yeah after the whole thing we really got to know each other quite well. And even though we didn't win, we had fun. Then after that was OG DINNER. We took SOOO long to decide where we wanted to go and still ended up at j8. but went to din tai fung la. I think we were even 'higher' there. played weird games and had good food. We even extended our play time to the space outside bishan station once we were done eating at DTF. There were other OGs there too. :D It got really tired. But it's the most fun compacted into a day. :D

Day 2 :
It started off with me being late and then feeling relieved cause everyone was still hanging around. (: It was batch dance at first! Haha. Not bad...Reminded of citorim pracs.XD. But yeah the pace was quite fast and I couldn't really catch it. XD. Then we had batch song. And cheers that totally burst my thigh blood vessels. Wah. EA is the tough one man. After like the briefing, everyone CHIONG out of the hall to find the balloons. Then from then onwards was running time! Chiong first to battle box and ran here and there completing the stations with Ah Gong Ah Ma story. Then we were quite ahead then. 2nd stop was at the Citylink Mall there the Macs. Ran around the mall trying to find clues and answers and we still got a pretty high mark. Had lunch there where I only ate a few fries and less than half of my burger. Kept it in my bag....Not a good choice. 3rd stop was iluma! That was pretty fun! Finding all the illogical people wearing winter hat, using the phone lopsided, wearing 2 watches, using 5 straws, carrying the bag the wrong way, taking photos with the wrong screen. :D(and solving logic puzzles) Then 4th stop was the one at ngee ann. We walked from ion to taka there to find out that they want us back at ion. ==. Aww man. The good times at orchard. Haha. After this, it was pretty crazy...from ion we sprinted (ok it was a sprint for me) to scape park. Wah..I'm so proud that I didn't die. I guess my frequent jogs did help me to survive. But haha I was a bit stressed but not to the point where I'll say "I'm not ok", so I was pretty ??? when people kept asking me if I were okay throughout the day. Scape park...ERRR...Haha. Was really reluctant to go onto the skating board because I weigh a bomb and people have to pull me?! But yeah we ended with lots of fun and the guys do push ups damn fast man. We chionged back to school thinking we did pretty well. Marymount station was flooded by US. Haha. Had a hard time trying to get out of the station. Once again, started sprinting back to mph. Yeah, everything is considered a sprint to me sorry. We really thought we were going to win. But sorry no. But at least we were really enthu to start cheering in the middle of the hall. :D And watching storyline was fun. :D
OG dinner again! This time at chomp chomp. It was around then that I started turning a bit emo. Hai... Then we ate lotsa stuff and had lotsa fun and waited for OGLs to come. (: Then when EVERYONE done eating, we went to Ice^3. Desert :D But the chair there hated me alot...It kept making me the shortest person around. So I had to stand eating the Ice Cream. We had a long walk to THE busstop when we were done. Had scares along the way. Human scream and Dog bark. Haha. But yeah :D So everyone dispatched...and yeah went home. Grr..CCK why are you always so far away. HAha.

Sometimes I think I'm allergic to girls that are too girl. Haha maybe because I'm quite rough and tomboy so I get a bit of shivers...
And I kind of hate the feeling of talking to someone and feeling like they don't want to talk to you cause you're not pretty/cool/dot dot dot. You get what I mean.

I gotta rest earlyl. WHAT EARLY. There's no more early at this time. Cause there's band tmr.... I bet I'll ache badly tmr. But I'll look forward to more fun i guess. That's if i cut the emo and feel comfortable with everything. Let's just cut the awkwardness out. (:

2010-01-25T21:29:00.003+08:00

I didn't even sign up for street dance trials.
Yet, I'm feeling sore about it.
When will I start to learn to take more risks and just give it my all despite the outcome?
But still at least I still get my highs once in a while.

Let me retreat to my back alley.

2010-01-20T20:37:00.005+08:00

Wynne uploaded our dance vid on youtube! (:
Though this isn't the latest one that we had.
It also isn't the coolest one.
Haha. But could only upload this cause charlene doesn't want to be seen.
HAHA. Let's hope it gets to 100 views. XD
We really hope someone comments, cause I guess it's fun to read comments. (:
Here it is! (:

I LOVE YOU ALLEY MATE (:

2010-01-19T21:45:00.001+08:00

running refreshes me. (:
i can sweat i can cry.
then it gets really tiring and sad.
but later on im all hyped up to move on. (:

2010-01-16T23:25:00.002+08:00

I'm sure it's only temporary. I'll get over it.

Anyway, I'm really happy that I went to church today. (: Once in a blue moon makes it even more special. I feel cleansed. Haha. Peaceful and all. And really thankful to God that I got good results and like many nice people around me. (: My parents didn't even comment on anything after I got back. (:
I really just love my friends and everything. Even though my morning jittery is still there, but I'm sure I'll get used to it. (:
I'll just continue to pray for those I love. That they'll come to know of the lord's love soon. (:

For all the moments that I feel uncomfortable, I'll treasure them. Cause JC life is too short for me to hate it. (: I shall treasure the last few moments of feeling young and being a teen. Haha. And maybe really treasure being a young idiotic girl that crushes some guy. Cause by the time I get old, having such stuff would be rather disgusting.

Band...Wow. My playing was just URGH. Disgusting. I can't sight read. I can't pitch. SHOOT ME ALREADY.

A passiong for Your name. (:

2010-01-14T17:25:00.001+08:00

I think i have self-esteem issues man.
Wah. It's annoying.
Wish I could feel better about myself.

THese few days of RJ are quite...
Talks Talks.
PAC is going to be our home man.

2010-01-12T20:56:00.002+08:00

YAY!

I'm quite happy with my A1. Hehe. Tried to hide my smiling after i got my result slip, but hehe kinda hard luh. But I didn't know how to behave either. I mean with close friends being dissappointed and all. To console or not to console?
But frankly speaking I was really worried when I was just one person away from Mr.Chua. There were Chinese pros crying and showing unhappy faces. I just didn't know how much of a chance I've got.
When it was finally my turn, Mr Chua was like. Samantha, your chinese very good one ah? Then I said er..Ok la. Then he double or triple checked that my name was Samantha Lee before handing me the paper, congratulating me. Was kind of sorry that I didn't thank him properly cause he's a really nice teacher.
Hmm..I guess he's probably my fav teacher in my RGS life. (:

It was GREASE party later in the day where all 8 of us were present! :D
I formed a rather nice pick up line when Yujin asked us if we wanted Tea.
I replied, " Can I have U? It comes after T." (: Hhaa.

And YES! I'm finally told of my OG today! And i was still laughing so hard at haozhi that day when he said he was in Goreng Pisang. Guess what. Im a fried 8nana now too.
Open House tmr. Hope it'll be great. (:

2010-01-10T13:02:00.001+08:00

I hate it when i wake up from nightmares...

And am not sure if they are supposed to symbolise sth to me.

I need to take a step out. But I'm barricading myself too. Grr.

2009-12-14T21:15:00.002+08:00

Finally finished watching You're Beautiful.
It's one of the better shows I've watched I guess.
I can't believe i cried all 3 times I watched Jeremy sing 'Really Good Words'.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dDg4hf2q4dI

It's really sad. :( Even though it was a show I could sort of feel the pain when I recall the song.

When I watch shows, Haha I even feel sad at the happy parts because it feels so distant and impossible to happen to me in real life.

Hmm...
I have 3 big wishes now. They shall be kept a secret. But i think non of them can ever come true...(Ok xy probably alr know 2)

Oh wells. Enjoyed my stay at my cousin's place where i managed to influence so many of them to watch YAB! (: Also managed to go to church with my aunt. (:

Ok so now. I have to wait for the YAB craze to die down. Until it hurts no more.

2009-12-03T16:28:00.003+08:00

AHHHHHHHHH.
I can't say how delighted I am and cheered and boosted up I AM. (:
Ok so i was feeling bored looking at my jap book.
So i kept turning channels and thought I'll turn to channel 51 for MTV JK hits.
AND THEN!
AHHH.
They were playing DBSK's ONE. And i was like right on the dot YOOCHUN's line.
Like i turned the channel there and then it started "I pray for ..." AHH.. (:
SO HAPPY. HAHA
Let's email XY abt it. (:

2009-11-29T23:20:00.001+08:00

You don't help someone by making them feel more helpless and troubled and isolated.

2009-11-27T23:34:00.001+08:00

I'd love to just stand under the rain one day.

It's nice too for someone unexpected to hold up an umbrella for you. (:

2009-11-14T21:45:00.002+08:00

Hmm. Realised I didn't have a proper post graduation post.

Well. 4 years in RGS.
If given a choice again. I'd definitely choose to come to RGS again.
The opportunities, experiences and friends it has brought me.
And along the way many other wonderful gifts too. (:

Think i teared singing the school song on graduation day.
Aw...Emotional me.
I never could figure out if my tears were out of sadness or just...the need to be emo? OK im weird.

It's odd how I don't have anything much to write now. But oh well. I guess my summary skills are just not good enough to summarize all the posts i had over the past 4 years into one. Each of the 4 years were so different and it flew past much faster than pri sch i would say. RJ. I wonder how it'd be. I might enjoy it next time. But right now, i really want to just go crazy with RG ppl again. (Probably what the arts fest musical was trying to push into our brains too. HOME )
AHHH...Actually I really don't know what to write. But just that i really enjoyed the process alot. The tears sweat and joy. Even though there were really lots of falling downs but yeah...They made me grow. I complained and all but yeah if they weren't there, RG life wouldnt be fun and challenging either. Everything is just in my brain now. I'd probably be unable to recall next time but it definitely will take up a special place in my heart. The many times my friends and teachers helped me. The many times I wanted to give up badly. The many times I wanted to dream. RG helped me see more.

I won't forget the many crazy times of me crapping and laming in class and getting eyes rolled at me too. (: Or like SAM!! YOU'RE SO LAME!! (It's a compliment really.)
Or fangirling over every cute guy. Laughing over ridiculous stuff. Dancing towards the last of my RGS days. And screwing my tests due to TXXQ.

Band. Haha. Another !!! experience. Cried hugged and done everything together. Seriously. And enjoyed musicmaking together alot.

AHH...Ok. I don't know what else to write but. HMM... I JUST ENJOY RG ALOT. Next year will be different and I hope I'll still get to cling on to my friends and whine to them and everything...And after those 2 years...It's gonna change too... Hai..

Arts fest was awesome btw.
FAM NEXT WEEK AND IM STILL FAT! HOW!

2009-11-09T15:17:00.003+08:00

我喜欢雨的感觉。
窗外下着雨。
我们却坐在屋里安然无恙地享受着清凉的风。
明天要靠华文咯。
应该是时候变得更煽情。。。写出美妙的情境文吧。
但愿如此。
明天是否会在考场上‘身亡’还是一个未知数。
大家加油咯！

2009-10-25T19:56:00.002+08:00

ecp.
skate-thru.
good friends.
401 BC.
rising sun.
dance.
red ants.
ghost at the beach.
sand.
ice cubes.
charcoal.
macs.
biking.
feet cramps.
warm hands.
picture of you.
waves.
sand drawing.
uneven sun tan.
bad chalet.
goldkist.
glam falls.
underpass.
pinky and pink freak.
hanakimi.
mahjong cluedo monopoly.
chocolate milkshake.
hokkien mee.
stingray sugar cane.
jumpshot.
mean people.

im so tired from class chalet though i had lots of fun. im really sorry if i lost my temper at anyone. but im really happy that i got to meet nice people amidst the mean crowd in ecp. (: the nice skates ppl at the shop and the goldkist manager that saved us from being stuck at the slope. and of course. my wonderful skates teacher. JAEJOONG AH~~ Ok. Charlene. (:

And now. SS options summary has got to spoil this. Not much time till Chi Os. Gotta buck up!

2009-10-03T21:02:00.002+08:00

I'm really happy.
The sweat that I shed with 401.
Playing in the rain.

We improved so much from last year's pathetic playing. (:
Was really glad that I got such an opportunity to really feel the class spirit, so much so that I felt crying on court for a moment.

But I was really annoyed with my own behaviour. The negative thoughts. The selfishness. The over logicalness over emotions? I don't know. Haha. Not sure whether it was the right thing to do to drag teammates away from injured classmates when our match was about to start.

POOR XINYI SPRAINED HER FOOT! Kimmy and her foot too.
Bubble tea.

OMG. It was just so much fun. (:
The weather was really good for playing.
We won at least 6 matches?

Our team is really not bad for a class of non sports people. (:
406 was extremely good though. All rounders. (:

AIYA. Just wanted to treasure this moment and it couldn't have been possible without God, without 401 without the teachers and all...But aiyo..our FT and CLET also not there. Haiya.

2009-09-22T22:10:00.002+08:00

HEHE.
The pink freak is so cute!
Thanks alot Mabel, Charlene, Jiahe-(Melvin). Haha.
I like it that it matches my mangosteen jacket. :D
Fareast with XY,Jas,Claire,CH and WT today! (:
So glad we didn't break the sprinkler!
And jas and I found out the difference in length of our legs and xinyi's legs. XD.
The slice???The ice cream that I don't know how to name is SUPER nice. :D My first time trying. And chern hwee spent like don't know how much on food. Haha. XD
And jas's scrunched up face after the durian pancake was Haha. XD
It was really quite a sweet experience for me when I was strolling at the back with the rest of them running to catch 105 (I didn't have options.XD). It was like all of them turning around one by one calling "Bye Sam!". Though it wasn't anything special, I just felt really happy then. Happy that I have friends. (: HAHA.I'm happy that I take note of tiny details like this. TTL.

I'm glad too that I'm resuming running. :D The sweat brings a lot of troubles away.
And recalling times with my pri sch friends was kinda sweet too. Haha. Surfing their pages on FB. Recalling how close we used to be. Well...I hope I can hold on a lot more to my secondary life. (:
Cause next year...there's no mabel. no chern hwee. :(

2009-09-20T23:42:00.003+08:00

20092009! <3

Happy Sweet Sixteenth Talia! (And me too. (: )
Thank God that I've had such a happy day today.

My birthday started with going to Talia's church. :D
I really enjoyed it alot. And Talia's family is really nice. :D
But I felt quite bad for sort of falling asleep during service though I tried to keep focused. :( The morning spent there was really quite refreshing. Singing praises of the lord felt nice. (:
Ba Chor Mee with Talia, her mum and her brother was nice too. :D
Hope I can go there again soon. :D

Then I went off to meet my 2 ego friends at JP. Haha. Sorry it can't be the first paragraph. BUT! Thank you Jenny and Wenjian for the cake. (: Despite the weird decorations that i'd rather not have...HAHA. Ok I better not be so mean. I really appreciate it wholeheartedly! :D Even the pig! :D But hello! The highlight of the cake was more like Jenny's huge name. Haha. :D But yeah, really thanks a lot for taking time to celebrate my birthday with me. <3 Love you guys! :D

And then...Next was...BATCH TEA AT TALIA'S PLACE! :D
Omg. My lovely darling batch that showered both me and Talia with Happy Birthdays and presents. (: And i was squealing when i saw Xinyi and Jolyn's present for me. Not the make-up part. But the Yuchun part. XD HAHA. And cause I didn't get Xinyi a photobook for her birthday, she didn't get me a 180 Korean hunk. HAHA. XINYI! Rmb our toilet deal ok! I help you find a Junsu! :D And then applying eyeshadow like we got punched was quite funny too. The 2 hours of pure off tune singing, camwhoring, eating, catching up with one another was really nice, although I was kind of dead tired. XD. To have a twin to celebrate my birthday with. XD. So at the end of TEA, Eeiyn, dot, jo and XY squeezed into my car to get to (Ang Mo Kio) Choa Chu Kang Mrt station. Then saw gor gor running on the way. Ha. <3 BATCH 09!

When i got home i was dead beat. But I still had loads of fun reading the notes from my friends. (: The notes and words that touched my heart. And it was dinner with my family. I really enjoyed it too. I like re4 nao4. (: Haha. Was too bloated to have dinner then though. And soccer! Haha. Though I don't really understand the game, having a whole load of ppl in front of the tv is a nice feeling. And with neighbours walking past our doorstep and asking for the soccer results just adds on to the homy atmosphere. KAMPUNGISH. :D And I'm really happy that my brother is nice to me today. (: HAPPY FAMILY! :D

Well, my sweet 16th really went on well. I only have one wish. (: God knows it.
I'm really touched by everyone. And thanks for having this day that I can at least feel special about myself. And know that there are friends and family out there that truly love and care about me. (: I tend to forget and lose that kind of feeling easily. To those who wished me a happy birthday and made my day, your wishes really mean a lot to me and i appreciate them with my heart. (: To those who didnt, it's ok that you've forgotten, and I'll try and make myself be someone worth remembering? Haha. Although sometimes yeah, you can't fight the disappointment that some ppl you wish might wish u a happy birthday actually forgot to or even worse...don't even intend to.

To thank: (for making my day and for wishing me a happy birthday, hope i don't miss anyone)
God
Parents+Grandparents
Family
Talia and her family and her church and the people at her church

(Ok..the rest goes in rough order of wishing me happy birthday)
Amanda
Hazel
Vivian
Gan Yujia
Celine
Hui Hao
EeIyn
Xinyi
Minyi
Sussan
LiKhee
YongHwee
Rebecca
Jaslyn
Johnson
Jolyn
Haozhi
Sharon
Kang Jie
Yuan Teng
Mabel
Jiayi
Jiahe
Jenny
Wenjian
Yiwye
BATCH 09!!!
Claire
Yixian
Sam Seah
Jinjun
Zhen Zheng
Zhenyi
Barathan
Shan Jee
Hui Ning
Jayme
Jiaxuan
Ser yee
Ong Yujia
Yunshu
Keyun
Keh Yujia
Natalie
Huijun
Melvin
Alicia
Khaign Zin
Magdeline
Natasha
Winston

Hey! The list is not that short. YAY! :D Sorry la. BIRTHDAY MAH! CANNOT BE SO WU LIAO ISIT. I think it's impt to thank everyone so I'm listing all the ppl who told me happy birthday! :D

YAY HAPPY 20092009! :D

Learnt sth today.
One shouldn't say they feel bad if they don't. They should act to compensate for the things they feel bad about.
I'm glad I had today. It's really <33
Thanks for the love. Good night!

2009-09-17T20:20:00.002+08:00

考试时考完了。可心中的空洞又开始显出。
是时候面对一些不想面对的问题了。

考试成绩不理想。啊~~~！
再说，我也很害怕时时刻刻得面对那种战战兢兢的心情。
好像随时都会踩到要引爆的地雷似的。。。

空气中那种刺痛。
没有声音，没有动摇。
只是一种深深插入心里的刀。

不知道该如何开口。
把只见的冰墙敲碎。

:( I don't know what to do. :(

2009-09-14T20:11:00.000+08:00

生物考得好差哦。

肩膀。

突然好想演戏。哈哈。也不是突然啦。
知是与其做好多我不想做的事，我宁可唱歌，演戏，跳舞。 XD

好吧！回去读书咯！也不知道自己在发什么神经。
无缘无故打什么华文字啊？

2009-09-13T10:33:00.000+08:00

It's like your brain's fried.
You head's heavy.
You feel nothing inside but an empty cold.

You heart's tired.
Your eyes weary.
You become a stone.

You feel like crying your heart out.
Watch the night sky alone with stars.
But you can't seem to do just that.

You feel like shying away from the issue.
But they bring it up again and again.
They prick your heart like it's cactus resistant.

The swirl of emotions that you are supposed to undergo.
Makes you wonder how long you're going to hold.
You want everything to stop.

Procrastination.
Fatigue.
I want to push them all away.
Leave some time for my heart.
As i weep in a corner and clear my thoughts.

Cry out loud for once.
Super loud.
Maybe everything will be washed away.

Ok. Deep breath. Now that I've vented all my negative feelings...(all?) I shall move on with greater energy.
Continue mugging and brave (breeze? not likely.) through the next 5 days.
I'm looking forward to youtube thursday.
I guess for now I just have to stay resistant to __. And deal with it later on.
It's hard to find the right person to talk to.
The correct shoulder to lie on.

2009-09-10T09:31:00.000+08:00

AHH..
I love voices that give GOOSEBUMPS! :D :D :D
Guys who can sing properly are so !!! :D:D:D

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UQhVnysXYS8&feature=related

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=H22Gv-4OyZY&feature=related

:D:D

2009-09-08T20:08:00.000+08:00

是被灼伤，冰冻，掏空。
分不清。不清楚。不知道。

可是却可感到偶尔的空虚。

Ever felt like you're searching for something that doesn't exist? You don't know what that is either. Just feel that something's not right.

My study plan is just like PHAIL.
And MUSIC BANK TODAY WAS SO!!! :D

I switched over to that channel and then it was BARAE!!! Then...Abracadabra...Then Genie!
Haha. It's hard to catch songs I know of in music bank. And this time it's 3 in a row! :D

And I'm so proud of Claire! Her team won Hillary Challenge. :D Looks fun! I shall make Claire train me after EYAs.
AH...I miss sweating like mad. But I shall take this time for me to rest my leg. Not sure what happened to it. XD.

STUDY STUDY. :(

2009-09-04T22:07:00.000+08:00

Hate it when people possible view me shallow when there's so much more thinking behind that brain.
Why do I even bother to care for others?
They don't even see that pain behind it.

Urgh.

One week one exams done.
Really hope I'll be productive with the 9 days i have on my hands.
On the average...2 days per subject? Really Hope i can utilise it well. Oh no 2 days per subject doesn't seem like enough when it's sciences!!!
AHH..BUT I WANT TO REST AND SLEEP ALR.

2009-08-27T19:54:00.001+08:00

Today was a great day!
And will continue to be great if not for the RAM test tmr that I'm so going to not do well for. Just hope i don't get a 0?

Well, my last playing with Eugene. :(
Returned him today. Aww. I'm going to miss him. But I hope it'll be in good hands of Amanda or any other junior.

Exam was really fun. It's like the only exam in my life that I've enjoyed so much. Playing so happily. And we realised how long school was. Cause we woke up late and did so many things before returning to sch. And there was still enough time for us to attend the last block of lessons. Haha.

Anyway, the people at the exam place were really nice. And the examiner was a really nice person too. (:
I really enjoyed today.
Thanks Peixin for kindly being our accompanist amidst your busy schedule of Arts Fest and what not. (:
Thanks Emily for helping me sign up and all and Kang Jie too for being an exam mate.
Yay to my SBMS of 08. Haha! (:

Alright. Shall attempt to go back to the sad life of needing to brood over RAM depite my tired mind although I took a pretty long nap.(:

Let's Call The Whole Thing Off.

2009-08-26T23:50:00.003+08:00

It's really sweet how I always flip to the correct verse. Or very near to it. (:

I hope tmr will be fine. And that I'll start mugging hard. (:
Thank you O Lord for the love I feel.
At least when I feel sad, I no longer think I'm alone. (:

YOU LIKE POTEHTO AND I LIKE POTAATO!

2009-08-25T21:16:00.000+08:00

I MISS BAND ALOT!
Watched our inunion08 item on youtube.
AHH I WANT BATCH CHALET AND DANCE AGAIN. :(
I really miss doing crazy stuff together.

And now I'm just stuck with the EYA period.
Grr. It's longer than normal periods!
And! 2 days to ABRSM exam.

Ok i'll hang on. (:

2009-08-24T21:13:00.000+08:00

Hmm.
I wonder if it's me being paranoid or that it might be true.
Like I'm not as well-liked as I would have desired.
Not as outgoing or friendly?

Oh well. Hmm. Must be ZHI1 ZU2. And always realise that i still have those that like me around. (:
At least He chose me! :D
Even if the rest of the world hated me.

YAY FOR ORAL. (: English one of course.
Jap one would just kill me :P BLEAH.

And my head is heavy.
Hope i'll be productive today.

2009-08-23T20:57:00.000+08:00

PRAISE THE LORD.
For my wonderful weekend.
The last one before a rigorous EYA period.
Really hope I'll give my all and not just talk about doing it. (:

I ought to release myself from addictions.
Though they are really enjoyable.
But no, they are bringing me no where. (:

TENNIS WITH FAMILY YTD :D Yippee!
SO FUN! And dinner together. I love it that way.

Studying with eeiyn today. Quite productive.

and ahh..I WANT TO WATCH PP2 :(

But i got to start mugging. (:

Ok. Off from here.

HOPE I DONT CLICK THE YOUTUBE LINK!
WISH ME LUCK!

2009-08-16T11:15:00.002+08:00

I'm trying to destress here because I found a major problem with my SSPT. :(
I'm not calm enough to continue doing it :P

And I really hope I can put things down easily. Like I won't hold on to embarassing moments and continue torturing myself with shame. Maybe it comes with embarassing oneself more often. :( I hate it when I don't answer people's questions properly.
Well, to calm myself down, maybe I should blog about yesterday's concert.
Music heals the stressed heart! (:

Well, it's like DUH that ACSI was better than us. But I think it wasn't their best. They could have WOWed me more. Based on past experience of hearing their playing. I think they WOWed me more with their CONTINGENT of brasses. Shiny instruments and like 89246823 number of Brasses when our band is experiencing a lot of single SB for brasses. Godzilla eats Las Vegas was really entertaining. And the solos were just so :D. But they too could have been better. Hmm... Comparing this to..last year's atempo i think last year's atempo was better. Was it last year or last last year? Can't rmb. But i hope I can be as good as them. (: There was a eupho solo! Wish i could have played it. But knowing me i'll probably screw up again and plunge myself into greater humiliation.

After tmr i guess I'd be more relaxed. OR NOT. 2 tests on thursday. Hai. And jap homework undone. Ok i think I'm stressing myself more. I can't do my PT with a stirred heart and mind. But urgh guess what. I have to.

Crash. :( I wish I had a brass instru to emo with right now. :(

Oh and i think the funniest thing is their 'encore' was the school song. And i think the MC should stop laughing into the Mic.

2009-08-16T00:24:00.000+08:00

I shall be random and post sth short.
Samantha goes GAGA over guys with amazing voices and musical ability! :D

2009-08-13T00:09:00.002+08:00

tears are welling up as i type this.
overture is playing in the background.
it was silver.
but! i can still hear that gusto, passion, pride and love.
humility responsibility and friendliness.
and yes finally got it right.

farewell.
now we're no longer part of that fun. we'll see the band here and there. but we're just not in there. anymore. :(

i just suddenly realised what im feeling. it's like you're heartbroken. lost and empty. then it reminded me of my post drama syndrome. except that this time it's worse. because it was a real life experience. i've never been more proud to be a RGSSB girl. frankly speaking, the 2 things that i've been very proud of myself for are my PSLE results and for getting into band straight through the 2 auditions.

I simply can't pen out how proud and happy I was when i saw my name on the list of people that got into band. It was just :D. But the 3+ years of my band journey has now come to an end. That stifling feeling. I believe all of us wanted to cry somehow. But this year's farewell was of a rather odd atmosphere. We were happy, yet we were sad. I'm very sure the band will continue to move on perfectly without us. It's sth good to know. Yet, I'm still slightly sad over this fact.

I remember how the band sounded without me and dorothy during inunion. It just told me how nothing is indispensable.

My ups and downs in my RG life. Whenever I'm feeling down, I know that I can just go to the corr? or anyone in my batch. And it's like everyone's saying I'll be there for you. I've never teared while typing a blog post for a long time. :(

But i'll really miss everybody. When was the last decent band prac ah? I'll miss going to the toilet with my NSBMS before band prac. Refilling the bottle. Taking the metronome. All those small details. :(
It's like I can't fit my band experience into this tiny box here on blogger. I'm really quite sad after this feeling sets in.

Was really sad when i read Jolyn's letter that said she'll go for all my concerts. It just reminded me of how not everyone will be joining band in the future. No more 5th year of RGSSB for us to enjoy anymore.

Oh oh. Off track. Yeah. DIDNT GET TO PLAY THE DRUMSET. :( (anti climax)

Well, I really love my batch alot. The band too. The funny juniors that'll smile to you. The juniors that made you feel slightly greater for a little while when you're running out of confidence. The MO that loves us so much.

I'll love to go on and on. But i don't know when i'll stop. Batch lunch. Batch _. Batch_.

At least there's still school to look forward to. (:
I look forward to meeting the batch again for video tmr!
And hopefully, nobody would go home early cause of SS PT or anything.

I'll be there for you. Batch 09 Bandoliers.

2009-08-10T00:07:00.000+08:00

And yes.
The stress builds up.
But i still slack away.
I wonder why I feel guilty for actually doing random stuff and relaxing myself when it's called weekends or holidays.

I can feel how I'm going to screw so many things up.
Tests and more tests. And it goes with more of NOT UNDERSTANDING. NOT ABLE TO COMPLETE MY WORK. OR MEMORISE SCALES.

Sometimes i still do need a physical shoulder to lie on.
There are just so many things that I'm confused about? Or worried about that I just can't simply share with someone. I don't know why too.

Went jogging around brickland today.
At least my leg didn't really fail on me this time.
I think I got to stop pushing myself too hard.
The feeling of seeing stars and the urge to puke after a run isn't that great an experience.
It just reminds of how many times I've experienced this and felt like I was going to die soon.
My so many close shaves with death.
Thank God really for keeping me alive to fulfil my duties.
I really wish to know how I can _.

Nat day today! :D It's such a nice feeling to see so many diff ppl come tgt. (:

Oh well. I gotta buck up. Show that i have motivation and determination. (:

And yeah. It's such a great time for my computer to break down. =.=

Sometimes in the middle on the night, I wish that I could just pick up the phone and talk to someone for a really long time. (:

2009-08-02T21:09:00.003+08:00

tell me which gentleman will make a girl wait for more than 30 minutes?!
no wait. and not turn up.

I hope my calf doesn't die on me! :(
i think 3.2km of running + 1.6km +++++++ of walking killed it. Haha.
Now every single time i jump it hurts. Oh no. What if i have bone fractures like claire?
Don't think my bone can sustain so much weight! :(

And I'm being not productive again today.
But new earphones <3

FAT FAT FAT FAT FAT.
I really hope I can continue to run. If not i'll feel disgustingly fat again for the next couple of days. (OH no. My hands instinctively typed fats when i was trying to type days. :( )

I shall be more motivated to study.
Maybe I shouldn't go to the library anymore.
Maybe I'm more productive at home!
Hmm...Shall probably try it next week?

AND THE ANNOUNCEMENT OVER THE SYSTEM WAS SO SCARY!
The library went like "Can Ms Samantha Lee please go to to counter" or something like that. SO SCARY!
I thought what happened. Turned out that they weren't looking for me, but were looking for a tiny little girl. ==

And yay! I wasn't being a jinx today. Or least i hope. Haha.

STUDY AND DO WORK TONIGHT!

OPTIONS! :O

2009-07-31T23:35:00.002+08:00

I wish I could be that bridge.

Today was plain starving then stuffing then starving again! :O
Wheelock bear figurines are disturbing and sick.

And Xinyi is very cute! And retarded at the same time.
And it's funny how Jaslyn always goes "Your friend ah?".

I had a lot of fun today!
Not forgetting the night run to kill off all the sushi.
I'm hungry already now. :(
Supposed to do math. But I'm so lazy and tired.

OFF.

2009-07-30T21:36:00.002+08:00

last band prac.
supposedly at least.
wasn't that sad.
but was very touched?

somehow the on and offs of band recently have set me feeling really unattached.
but i still do love the sound of music.
and the passion and joy i get through band.
let's just be happy that at least i'll still be able to go back to play.
for exams at least.

i'm really happy for amanda. (:
so proud of her. (:
at least skipping my year of euphos getting other position than SL wasn't that bad! (:
it was really fun today to be crazy and all. (:
and i didnt sleep for 3 consecutive science blocks!
ss also!
only conked out during geog. XD

<3s HEARTS EUPHOS (:
I'll love the experience in RGSSB forever. (:
'leaving' behind a legacy.

2009-07-26T23:46:00.002+08:00

I'm so not productive! :(
My studying sundays are like POOFED. Haha. Bad me!
Pile of work there. Me not doing anything.

Well, at least i get to have fun. (: Like laughing at the library over the most ridiculous things. (:

And it's really comforting to talk to primary school friend(s) like there's no barrier. (: And don't have to ang moh some more! :D

And i realise today that I'm a jinx! Haha. Like someone will always kena knocking into something in my presence. :P I'm guilty. Haha.

Let me put my faith in Him that everything will always turn out fine even at times when I'm tired and lazy. Hehe. (:
At least now I don't feel as lonely as I did before. And I'm thankful that God gave me friends that'll help me out. But I still am sad that there's still so many people I love out there that...
It's ok. Will work hard. (:

Hope that my 2 study buddies tmr will ace their DEE test!

2009-07-24T00:19:00.003+08:00

I thank Him with my heart today for clearing that dark cloud.
I don't think I'm as confused as I was as compared to yesterday or this morning.
Yet i do know that those feelings do remain, and I should get rid of them.
It shouldn't go anything more than that.

And i ought to be more productive with regards to work and stop straying onto FB or YOUTUBE. (:

2009-07-22T22:20:00.002+08:00

I feel very selfish today.
So i'm sorry to claire, rebecca and ser yee.
How could i offer such reluctant help? Even I would be annoyed by myself.
And what's with me getting angry?
I didn't do SS Fa in the end either?

So now I'm very confused abt 2 things.

1. About whether I should go for the service and how I'm going to tell my parents.
2. About __ and __. And i shouldn't even be worrying about stuff like that now? And i don't even know how i feel. Maybe it's just temporary. Crossing the sec 4 mark into J1. I guess it'll be a whole new environment and i'll be over it. Yep.

And to add on to my confusion, _ and _ comes along to talk crap.
So yeah. Shall just go do my SS FA and not worry about stuff I'm not in the position to worry about.
Shall just worry about losing weight.

2009-07-20T20:17:00.003+08:00

AW. (:
I am happy now. Hehe.
Everything feels so surreal after I accepted Christ. I don't know why. Maybe it's cause I'm not home yet.
Anyway, I'm really happy that He's there for me. (: That i was able to calm myself down before oral and get out of that whole emo thingum before oral. :D

What happened yesterday has just been bothering me until like SS block? Then I finally told Jaslyn what happened. Then i felt better :D. Aww, Jaslyn can be quite comforting. (: She goes like "It's over already what." But haha! Amidst my being annoyed and guilty and yada yada, Xinyi had to ask me. You want me to help you add one more? And i was like what? Then she said NERVOUSNESS. hahaa.
I didnt really count. But from yesterday till today, I've lost count of the number of times i've said 'Haiyo'.

(wow. havent posted long enthu posts in a long while-suppoesd to be doing eng summary)

Anyway, clever me knocked my bottle over for don't know how many times today! And in the morning I spilled water on the school bus. AGAIN! After what happened yesterday on 67!

ORAl's over. Can u imagine? 2 months and EYAs will be gone and it'll be my birthday. :D Ok since I'm much happier now than yesterday I shall remain high.
I'm so proud of myself today! I came back from oral and went jogging! (:
And i climbed around 14 storeys up and down. (: It was 300 + steps. (hooked onto steps counting after ytd.) But the steps weren't as huge as btnr's. Yeah. Wish me luck in my LOSE WEIGHT PLAN. (:

And jaslyn says we can go climb sometime! :D And train my stamina or sth so that I don't end up a loser again. Oops. Ok must listen to Talia. I'm not a loser. (: No wait. I want to be a loser. If not how to lose weight? Oh no, i think I'm super crap now. :P

Yeah, so on a happier note. Sam Lee enjoyed herself alot yesterday apart from feeling _ and tired. (:

And er. I'm really thankful for WJ and YH waiting for me. Oh no, i feel bad again :(.

Ok shall go do summary. (: YAY ORAL'S OVER. WOOHOO! :D

2009-07-19T21:59:00.003+08:00

I.FEEL.HORRIBLE. :(
It's not emo, neither is it being angry.
I just feel. HORRIBLE.
Super tired + A sleepless night + Unfinished homework and PTs + Oral tmr.
Can i just say i can't be bothered anymore?

It was really fun today. Except that I think I made a fool out of myself?
I'm like a walking disaster.
And i'm feeling super anmoyed with myself now. And i don't want to prac for oral. Haven't even tried the conversation part at all. Not even once.

I feel very lazy now.
So lazy even to dig out stuff that I can study last minute in school tmr so that I can go sleep now. Anticipating a flunk tmr.

I just feel super bad. Maybe I shouldn't have gone. Haha. Knowing how...
I really hope i'll feel better after waking up tmr. Hope i'll be geared up for sch tmr?

And i don't think i'll feel like taking pictures for a while. Shall shelve that camera. Put it aside. Major reason for being annoyed: 3 letter F word.
To conquer it, let's see what I can do:
-Jog more!
-Swim more!
-Go Btnr? Provided I don't die alone and end up as one of the gravestones. But must be taller than 1.8m.
-Skip recess! Sleep and do homework then!

Last one is super convenient.
Yeah. Super annoying walking disaster.
Triple threat.
1. Almost died after climbing 246 steps? How loser can I be? Take so long somemore!
2. Leg cramp! Not like i wanted it to happen either. But still. Major Loser.
3. Dropping waterbottle on 67 and wetting the whole bus?

I am so annoyed and in a feel like closing myself in a dark cupboard mood.
Thanks a lot for ignoring as well. It totally helped. ==

So. Advice to people. Never bring me along to btnr with you.

And i didn't get to see monkeys today! :(

And haha. Xinyi. You don't owe me a present anymore! I don't want it already. At least not for a while until i complete my Plan above ^.

WHY AM I SUCH A MAJOR LOSER?! :(
And haha. Why haven't I grown immune to my parents' criticisms even though I've been hearing them for years? My mum asks me if ppl suan me for being fat or sth along that line. Haiya. I shall just go off to pack my bag and go to sleep.
Tmr will be a better day. At least I hope so.
Please. I don't want a leg cramp again in the middle of the night.

2009-07-14T21:02:00.002+08:00

YO concert = Awesome! (:
SER YEE SO PRETTY! :D
It was really really fun yesterday. (:
And i can't stop laughing at ___. I think it's extremely cute. Haha.
And i thought it was really cool when ___.
AND thanks claire for being so nice to me! :D

dover, pioneer, pass joo koon!

HEART WHIRL. Clear it soon.

2009-07-11T00:22:00.002+08:00

today was a really fun day. (:
TENNIS! :D Playing with xinyi = xun2 si3. Her ball speeds are like??!! I bet i'll get super bruised if one had the chance of coming into contact with my skin.
AND PS! Finally sort of a 5 person outing! (:
Went to cafe cartel. It takes like ages. But ok, seems that I'm the only one complaining about the speed of their service. The rest of them thought it was ok. Haha. Except for the stuffiness and over crunchy bread.
Met wj and yh to pass them seryee's tix! They are super tall!!!
I'm vertically challenged and horizontally nonchallenged?

After cafe cartel was a mix of rubbishness. Haha. Walked around ps. Then becky left after Claire left for hillary challenge. So what was left was a sad jaslyn with 2 very ridiculous ppl aka me and xinyi. We looked at hilarious posters while jaslyn goes "Cute" at the iron man mask/head. We laughed so hard at the SUJU poster. We couldnt make out who's who and there seems to be different people on different posters. Oh and before that we went to the Bear factory or whatever you call that. GOM. Jaslyn and Xinyi broke out laughing thinking the giggles sounds like _. But i thought it sounded more like Jiahe. Then went to carrefour to get my bread! Lalala...Then went home.
It took me like almost an hr on the 190! :( Haha.